Have I ever really fallen in love?

And the answer is...no, not really. As I write this, I am saying to myself...why has this question come to my mind, all of a sudden? It's a little embarassing to talk about falling in love at this point in my life but somehow, the events these past few months have made me think about the things I might have missed in my life...and I guess, falling madly deeply crazily in love is on top of that list. It's not that I have not fallen in love...if you can call being seriously infatuated, love. But there was never anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or someone I could break all the rules for or someone who has left me heart broken. Is it because I never met the right person, or never allowed myself to be totally vulnerable or am I just too hard to please and were my standards impossible to begin with? Hmmm...I think being raised to be independent and self-assured, my needs and wants somehow differed from the other girls of my generation. I never gave marriage a serious thought...the usual line, when I get married... was not in my normal vocabulary. Marriage was not a priority in my hierarchy of needs. Now the next question is...does every girl have to get married when they fall in love? For me, that's the general idea...As I matured, I could not envision myself being in a relationship without the goal of marriage in mind so that this became a dilemma for me in forming romantic relationships...as long as I felt I was not ready for a serious relationship, I'd back off. And the reasons had really nothing to do with the man...it's just that marriage was a little far down my list and maintaining a love relationship while I was busy with other things was draining my energy. Then the day came when I thought I was ready but the problem now was that there was no one to fall in love with (my standards became higher) or if there were...they were usually taken , in other words, in committed relationships. Have I ever been offered to enter an illicit relationship? Hahahah! What do you think? I could have if I wanted to...but I did not want to. I am a very conscientious person and I would never be a party to destroy a relationship. But let's talk about this tomorrow because what little experience I have on the matter has resulted in a lot of thought and strong feelings...

And so right now, before time runs out on me, I am working on falling in love, letting myself be less sensible and less afraid, taking steps to be more daring...today, it's baby steps, tomorrow...