How To Write Your Bank

In the last quarter of 2011 I was out of work, and so one of the first things I did was to make credit card payment arrangements with their respective banks.  I already wrote about some of my experience with the banks here.  Then I saw this letter and this really made me laugh. This letter has been in circulation in the internet for several years now, allegedly written by an 86 year old woman to a bank. It has wrongly been attributed to being printed in the NY Times.  The real writer was Mr. Peter Wear and was first published in the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Australia in January 1999. It was not sent to a bank, but was written in a column called Perspectives.  It is very funny, but if like me you had some experience dealing with banks, you would understand the exasperation of this writer with modern banking and some of their policies. I can so relate with the content of this letter after dealing with one bank's delayed response, inept handling and really illogical requirements.  And I wish that I had read this earlier so I could send it to that bank!

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Contact Application which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button press required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.


Comments

  1. HAHAHA. in your face banks! :D This must be very very viral during those times XD I am happy with my bank RCBC and so far I haven't experienced any problems with them yet. But I got the funny part on this story. haha.

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  2. This is so true business has now become faceless persons in form of customer service who are not the one causing the problems but has to cover up for those who should. At times, it already becomes a great disservice already because of the tedious task just to have a problem lodged.

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  3. I am lucky I don't encounter any problem with my bank, coz' I can be such a hysterical woman.

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  4. Haha. I've never had such experience with banks but I guess it could somehow also apply to the customer service of any other establishments, such as telecommunication companies. :P

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  5. why i haven't tried doing that even if i bought a house back in philippines my someone is doing that for me since I dont have ebough knowledge with that. great post now At least I know something. xx

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  6. Lol, I really can't relate to this but the way I read it sure is funny. Especially on the part of "when you call me, press buttons as follows", boy sure that was funny.

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  7. Hey, this is great comedy...the proper way to write your bank...hehehe...formal and acceptable (not)

    Grandma must be restless.

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  8. hahahaha... this letter is epic! i'm just wondering how will the bank respond to your letter! may this become an eye opener to them.

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  9. What a good letter to give the bank a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes, they need to read and receive something like this for them to open their eyes and ears.

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  10. Ha.ha..ha.. putting your grievances in such a funny letter. I wonder what would be the reaction of bank executives after reading this letter. Siguro, they will shrink instantly!

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  11. HAHAHAHA! That was really clever of him :))

    I wonder how the bank would respond if they receive one. The reply letter would be interesting to read :)

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  12. lol, this is hilarious.I just wonder if people do the same too like what the banks ad other establishment. We have an answering machine tending our business instead of us answering the phone.I have that bad experience here. Every time I cal a company(at&t,cable, etc) ,this irritating answering machine is the one talking to me,telling me to press this and that, answer yes or no only. waahhhhhhh!

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  13. This is the first time that I encounter this "weird" bank letter. As I read it, I found it funny. I thought that there are still people who did this thing to make other funny, if it is funny. Or flame up others who are too sensitive and don't like any kind or form of prank like this one.

    Better keep that letter for others to see, to read or to be informed.

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  14. Good thing I don't have a credit card to use or else, I might have copied this and send it to my bank. :D

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  15. Hahahaha! This would have to be the most wittiest comment/content/letter that I've read in a long time. I commend the person who wrote this. With the sarcastic tone to it, you know that there are so many truths from it as well. :)

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  16. You are a great writer. The letter is funny even if you are fuming mad. Ahahaha. I enjoyed it thanks.

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  17. Lol! I should send the letter to my bank here! - for honoring post-dated checks!!! Lol!

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  18. Love this letter. I am thinking of writing a similar one but for the developer of our condo. Also, thanks for giving credit to the real writer. I shared this also in my FB timeline. :)

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  19. HAHAHA! I am a business administration student, and maybe, by chance, I will work on a bank someday! Human tendency tells me that most people might do this, so better keep this in mind. Lol.

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  20. Oh sooo funny! What a sarcastic letter for the banks to receive! I wish I could send that exact letter to my bank!Lol! Indeed, it is to give them a dosage of their own medicine.

    Thanks for making me smile! Have a great day, Maritel!

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